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May 14, 01
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here's a thought
you know, my boi is really fukkin sick.
like REALLY sick. he's lost 75 pounds since christmas and can'at keep any food down at all anymore. yeah yeah i know he should be in the hospital right? WRONG there arent any god damned beds for him and it sucks. nobody know what's wrong with him. Doctors are out of ideas ER nurses have no clue Gastro Intestinal Specialists can't see any problems. Why? Why not? What the hell is wrong with the system. What the hell is wrong with god? He just wants to make music. To use his immense talent to make a difference in this shit face world. Why does he have to be in pain all the time and sick. he's soooo sick. What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm not a nurse or a doctor. I'm fukkin 19 years old and taking care of him 24/7. I'm not complaining. I love him with all my heart. I guess that makes it harder to see someone you care about like this. I'm tired, broke, broken hearted and empty. I can't leave him because he's sick. I WANT to stay, i'm just drained. So now we wait. we wait for the call to say it's something small and easily repairable. But that calls not coming. I know it's not. We wait for the call to come that says there's a bed for him and he can have a feeding tube so he doesn't waste away to nothing. When we started dating he was this big strong man. 6'7 and like 260 pounds. i felt safe with him and loved how much bigger he was than me. now he weighs 180 pounds and losing about a pound a day. i cry whenever i see him and i'm tired. sooo tired. this is tearing me apart and i don't know how much more i can take. i want my stong healthy independant boy back. where did he go? will i ever see him again? there's a thought. 
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May 14, 01
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yoko, I know what u mean about the parties... like thinking it wuz the paradise that it wasn't... I remember when I first started going to these parties, I saw every thing as being perfect, and all the people I met were so nice and were instantly friendz, but now I c they were all so fake and were not the people I believed they were - but what made me think these people were any different than people in real life??? I dunno.. guess I wuz just naive about the whole party scene... and forgot about my life outside the scene... and now, after sorta takin a break I realise that they're just parties, and who my real friendz are... not saying that everyone I've met are fake, I've met some people who I know I will be friendz with even if I don't party nemore... but I c now the life I left behind.. b4 my party dayz... and I feel really bad after putting my true friendz second all this time~~~ when they were the ones who truely cared about me... I got sucked into their lil scam as well........ but ur alwayz learning, I've learnt just not to take true ppl forgranted... they are the hardest to come by 4 sure!!! but don't beat urself up about the shit life bringz u yoko, it'll alwayz b there~ live life while ya still got it! =*)
*muah* ~breezy
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May 14, 01
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Dear wundergirl...
Sorry to hear that your boyfriend's sick... And I understand that you're frustrated...he's frustrated...his family being frustrated...but you have to be patient with diagnosing illnesses...you don't want them to rush and attempt to fix something that doesn't need to be fixed
I can't really say much else about this cuz I don't know too too much about it, and I'm pretty disappointed with the whole health care system vs. the government issue so... Be patient...Love him...and support him the best you can If you need to talk...ICQ me nurse kiMMie
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May 14, 01
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Thanks Kimmie.
It's nice to hear some words of encouragement that don't have anything to do with "ira's tough" cuz he's not anymore. We're at the point where his esophagus is so enflammed that he can't get anything down even if he wasn't sick anymore. I guess I don't know what I need to hear or say or do to feel better. I just wish that I could take it all from him and put it onto myself. bleh. anyways, um yeah thanks. it's surprising how the words of someone you've never met can hold so much
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May 14, 01
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wundergirl ~ sorry 2 hear about your bf. hearing things like this is one of the times i get so angrya t the stupid governemtn for the way they deal with healthcare!! i mean wtf..without ppl are gonna get sick and die. but do the stupid politians care?! no cuz theyg ot so much fucking moeny cumming outta their ass they can fly half way aroudn the world for hte best care there is.
fricking pisses meeh off. i hear bout the shit all the time (my mom's a nurse downtown) and i just wish we could do something about it. so many ppl, like your bf are suffering cuz of it. but well i really hope they figure out soon what is wrong with him so they can fix it, or at least get a bed for him so he can get better!! i'd say bring him down to the US....they do have better health care their...only problem is the cost is a whoel fucking lot! grr... *oh no now i'm ranting..* anywayz..just stay strong and help him thru it with what u can...knowing he has someone there for him and what not can help make him stronger and who knows..maybe it'll help him get thru it. (ya soudns weird..but i dunno)
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May 16, 01
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yoko:
aww, hon. there are tons of "real" peole left in the world. I guess you just get to a point where you sort of take an inventory of your "friends"and that's it. Anyone who isn't 100% legit is gone. I did it when I was 17 and things have been way better since. That way you have no worries. No petty problems, no backstabbing or avoiding confontation. You don't have to avoid being the person you really are to fit in. Or not to offend anyone. And everything is just straight up. Anyone who ever makes you feel otherwise does NOT deserve your time, and odds are you're prolly wasting your time in good faith. Just gotsta keep those you trust ultra close and don't worry about those you can't. :) *hugz and kisz* to all of the uplifting words 'bout Ira. I know he'll get better, just hope it's soon.
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May 16, 01
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oh yeah, and nurse kimmie....
what's LOSEC?? juss wonderin cuz it's sorta helpin and i'm curious
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May 17, 01
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fighting on not knowing the reason why...i'm thinking that too..also trying to study fpr bio...why the hell am i taking bio..i'm not even gonna go into sciences...and damn..am i ever screwed for this provincial..i can't memorize shit~...yeah...studying...just sitting there looking at the freakin book and my mind wanders off so far..i keep asking myself questions..
why am i trying...should i stop?..would i regret it later if i didn't try now?..would i regret trying now later?...ahh..mind boggling..and all i ever hope for is the weekend..when i can sleep in..when there is no skool and u don't hafta stay up to do ur hwk...well..sunday night is a for sure for me but friday and sat nite...either go out have fun or just relax!...ahhhhhhhh...yeah why do i ever say hi to people?..to let them know i exist?..to talk to them..?..to get no reaction?..to see wut the reaction is?..just a friendly gesture?..or why?...i dunno..its just a thing that i do.. why are there so many things to do that are ok in this world and other things just not ok?...why is stuff stuff?..who the hell made up all these words?...ahhhhh...now i'm getting to pointless stuff.. ok..on parties...i still luv them..maybe i am sucked into their scam..thats ok....i still like it for now~... ok fake people...everyone has been fake..u, me, her ,him..all of us...at one point or another....maybe it comes naturally to sum and maybe it takes hard work for others...or maybe sum people are being real but u think they are fake?..i dunno..but then again..i always wonder...wut is real?...wut is the real me?...am i being real or fake?....i dunno...i could be being real but being seen as fake...or vice versa...who knows..but there are real people...there are~ i've just rambled about nuthin..guess its my thoughts...sorta jsut came to me as a reaction to all these here~ wundergirl...ur an awesome gf...ur stickin with ur boy and caring for him and sticking by him all the way til he's better...this bastard of a man i knew...ran off on his wife when she was dying of cancer...she died and their 4 kids are now scattered in foster homes..sorry for my pointless ramble..i hope ur boy gets better soon...all ur luv and support goin to him probably makes him feel stronger everyday...stupid govt. and health care stufff does suck..why doesn't the govt. just give them the fucking money..my mother had her operation postponed like 4 times before cuz there weren't enuf beds..ahh...i know u posted this a while ago..sorry..i feel so late...but yeah..i hope u get the rest u need too~
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Jun 07, 01
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Thoughts floating in my mind..
I dunno if anyone is gunna read this, i dun really care, i just find that typing all my feelings out makes me feel better...
Damn skool. Fuck! I hate math! I need to pass my trig test tomorrow then i need to get 55% on the final on tuesday for me to pass the course. fuck it all! I have my socials test in less than 12 hours...its my final and i haven't even started studying., I've fallen asleep in half of my english classes this year...its a joke now, my teacher calls me sleeping beauty or she'll be like "Jen! Your drooling!" (even when i'm not!) I dont get enuf sleep at all. My socials teacher said 2 me "marking your test was very interesting..." So i said sum stupid stuff-whatever! does that mean that Andrea has to go and read out some of my answers to everybody?? Nice, real nice...Fuck skool. I hate ms. walters and how stupid my acting class is.. 1 fuckin more week.....i cant stand it rite now. i have a huge ass english project due on monday that i just started earlier today. Skool puts so much stress on me...fuck it!! My nails hurt like hell cuz they had me scrape off all the tape on the counter in the garden center for 2 and a half freaking hours at work today!!! Boyz suck. Blah I'm not even gunna get into that rite now!!! All the good ones are gay or taken...fuck em. screw jenny who has my crimper...and i want it back tomorrow!!! yay its 11:11 make a wish! i doubt that it'll come true... and FUCK my icq!! I cant live without it and of course its not working and i cant do a damn thing to fix it!!! and this isn't the 1st time this has happened! if i have to get my whole list again i'm gunna scream!! I'm scared for friends who dont care if they live or die and hate life...i hate michelles dumb ass boyfriend! he stole my best friend ever away from me!!! k i could go on and on but i'll stop 4 now...sorry to anyone who had to read this.
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Jun 07, 01
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totally nothing to do with anything but here's my thought
y do we have fingernails / toenails? -adam
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Jun 08, 01
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yoko...that thingy u posted up there about friends and strangers...its so sad it sorta wants to make me cry..yet its so true??..i dunno...~
starsprite..omg...no need for the ending apology!!...venting is definetely nice and usually helps u feel better when angry and frustrated...i vent often..~ adam...i dunno...decoration??..haha...and here i'll write down my proud announcement of how i have not bitten my nails in like exactly two weeks!!...sooooo proud!!...trying to stop that gross habit...nails so long..keep scratching myself..=(..but yeah..:Lazee:
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Jun 08, 01
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The setting:
Whenever she's upset her thoughts become almost obsessive. Over and over and over again. one thought leading to the next. With each thought her heart sinks further and further into a darker room. A darker hole. Camera 1: she leaps up from the ground, runs and runs. (Destination: Nowhere. That's where she's bound to be.) Hot tears rolling down her cheeks... She sees a passing car. she runs faster... faster... faster. faster.. Waiting... just timing it perfectly.... WHAM. Camera 2. She goes sprawling into the parking lot. Pain crashes through her body. She feels so alive... Camera 3.. She wants to scream at the top of her lungs. But words are so empty. So empty. She feels so empty. and so alive. a depressing lunchtime can bring a lot of inspiration.. Last edited by yoko*; Jun 08, 01 at 07:52 PM.
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Jun 09, 01
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so thats wut u were writing in ur bookee at lunchtime..whenever u start to write in there..i don't dare to bother u...lalala.....
i just have this thought in my head...sooo...when u know u've done sumthign wrong..or know wut ur gonna do is wrong..and u can feel the consequences...and know they aren't gonna be good..yet u go and do it neways...and then feel like shit afterwards...then wut..u feel ur guilt and get scared..or go wutever and pretend nuthin happened...but stuff does come back...if its a stupid enuf thing..it'll come back..i hate that...i hate knowing stuff... yes..ignorance is sumtimes bliss...wut u think u know..well..it may be true..and that just hurts sumtimes...i keep finding stuff out..nope...no one tells me...i sorta figure it out..then i get proof to prove it..ahhhhh..sumtimes its like wutever..but other times...when the situation really concerns u..why do people not tell u??..to protect u??..thats not called protecting..cuz when u eventually find out...it'll hurt to know they tried to keep it from u..~..wutever,....dumb thinking~!:384:
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Jun 14, 01
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06.14.01
how did it ever come to this? it's sad how you live you life spending and spending and never saving up for antyhing worthwhile.. you'll look back on your life when you're close to death and when you're asked "did you have a good life?" you'd smile your oh so famous fake smile and nod "yeap.. yeap i had fun".. liar.. every thing was too *in the moment" that you never tasted anything that lasted... your eyes could only see the surface and never anything more... -thoughts on a bitter thursday
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Jun 28, 01
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Heres some random thoughts on hawaii
So I was on the big island right after Spring break {it was cheaper that way} Not a lot of people go there... Most go to Maui or Wakiki... But I love the big island... and the surfing is supurb. So I did a lot of that. *will come back to that* Have you ever wondered what happened to all the hippies after the 60's were over? Yeah some turn "square" or whatever but the ones who stayed true to their hippie roots moved to the big island of hawaii... it's imposible to find white bread there i swear... But anyway a lot of the older surfers in Hawaii are ageing hippies.. and where ever I went to surf they're always be there to lend me whatever and help out... give my little tips and stuff cause i'm not the greatest at the sport... but there were these 2 really perma-fried hippies who made me laugh sooo hard... there was a particular place i was having a lot of trouble with and they were trying their hardest to help me out... "You gotta feel the wave man... be the wave you ARE the wave" They kinda reminded me of this one guy i know who says that raves are all about dancing and that theres no need for other people... I say well with no people there is no rave... he's like You are the rave! isn't it great how you can start talking about any random subject and eventually have it relate back to parties or whatever happens to be your favorite thing...? btw my spelling is horrible.. sorry
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