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Oct 16, 03
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Shame
Shame. 15 tylenols3's last wednesday in a botched attempt. Shame. The ugly wound in my arm in another botched attempt the next night. Shame. My mother pulling up the sleeves on my sweatshirt when my Bro and I were wrestling and seeing that ugly mess, further driving that rusty serated blade of shame closer, considering she came with me cuz i finally decided to try anti depressants.
These feelings of self doubt, failure, and uselessness won't go away. Every day for as long back as I remember, there hasn't been a day that's gone by where these negative thoughts bombard the positive things in life. Not a FUCKinG day. I'm tired of not having someone to hug, tired of waking up to an empty house, tired of feeling like this. Cleaning up after being rock bottomed was supposed to be a new start. Running away from the issue, these damn feelings, wasn't a healthy solution. These feelings though, i can't take it, i can't. i'm not strong enough. being alone, it's been this way for too long. Looking over everything that's been typed and said, the word 'I' pops up too much, so fucking introverted and self centered. fucking everything up, it's always the outcome. im not asking for advice. I just don't know what to do. shame 
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Oct 16, 03
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Max... I suggest that you pick up the phone and give someone a call.
That post is pretty messed up man.
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Oct 16, 03
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Max,
There's people who care about you who would like nothing more than give you a hug if that's all you need...Unfortunately, you need more than that, and I hope you get it... You're a cool guy who's gone through more already than most people go through in a lifetime. Please get the help you need and don't become a statistic.
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Oct 16, 03
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when i read that post i got chills. i dont know you personally, and i cant say that i have gone through the same experiences that you have, nor the downfalls. you said cleaning up after rock bottom is supposed to be a new start, but climbing out of the pit is hard. even looking up from the pit is discouraging. just keep your head up. i went through some really rough times a couple years back and i went to a counsellor, and i must say it really helped. if that cant be arranged just find someone that will listen, and give you a shoulder to rest on, and things will get better. best of luck to ya man, i hope you get through the rough times...
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Oct 17, 03
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i kno how u feel sumtimes u feel so alone that u feel like thats ur only escape out
but its not.......ppl care its just hard 2 c sumtimes....ive dealt with depression and anxiety all my life....suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem.....and i have learnt through counselling that its just a cry for help...if u really wanted to die..u would be dead ...u just want help and love...sumtimes medicine doenst help ,u need to be strong and overcome this....sumtimes life seems like a dark tunnel but theres always light at the end of the tunnel so dont give up!i didnt u need to realize that suicide is selfish and even though u feel as if u cant bear the pain ur dealing with..just think of how much pain ud give 2 others is u were gone i kno from experience.....I was excatly like this until my close friend commited suicide last easter ..thats when i realized that its not just me in the world and theres others dealing with bigger problems..and that ppl do care,whethere or not u see it...i would never do that to my family and freinds ....because i saw how it affected them and me please rethink these things u have said...at this time ur pain is so real that u dwell in it so that its the only thing u feel......but life is so much more,it wont be like this forever ,even though it looks that way talk to sumone 4 me.....and if u feel like u cant talk to neone message me...ur not alone
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Oct 17, 03
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wow...... I've felt this way before.. and i thought nothing would ever get better..
but the days go by .. and slowly things get better... suicide is not the way out.. i should know.. my dad committed suicide 6 years ago .. all it does is damage the poeple around you and destroy a perfectly good person... keep your chin up xoxoxo
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Oct 17, 03
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suck it up, is just plain ol inconsiderate.
sometimes things cant be sucked up, or run away from, and that is when the hopelessness shows up. face things dead on, and realize why you failed. see your 2nd or 3rd chance, and take it, and dont let anyone take it away,..i hope you realize that whatever it is that is making you sad, be it, people, or what people think of you, or what youve done wrong, arent all that important. and just start fresh. forget it all, and chin up. or something along those lines.
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Oct 17, 03
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suck it up, i dont think that is inconsiderate at all.
i think people fail to realize that there is always someone out there with a lot more fucked up things going on. i think people need to shut up, be tough and deal with whatever is hurting them. I think sumtimes people get trapped in this, "i feel like crap, everything sucks, im going to kill my self" attitude. Well you know what, those people need to grow up and apreciate every second that they get to breathe. There are many many people out there lying in a hospital bed hoping they arent going to die tonight and they aren't wasting their time making people feel sorry for them either. max you;re a good kid, you know i like you but you need toughen up. You're going to go through a lot of rough shit in your life same as everyone else. You are going to have to accept that pretty soon I must say i have felt a lot better since i stopped with the "poor me, look at everything ive been through" attitude. it didnt last long and im glad.
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Oct 17, 03
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Oct 17, 03
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I'm sorry but people saying "oh poor you" doesn't help anyone. It really doesnt, all it does is keep you in that state. People are better off being shaken up and told the truth
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Oct 21, 03
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Hrm
- You know people honestly care about you and your well being that's not enough the desire to live doesn't come from others it comes from yourself a cold sad feeling that follows you know matter where you go and no matter how fast you run will not go away no matter how many pills you take then you walk into the cold - then you walk into the emptiness and then you risk being alone in shame forever Suicide feels like a good option somedays because it seems like the only feesible option to get rid of the life you carry around like a shell Chin up is good advice be thankful for what you have is fine too but I don't think either will help You say 'I' to acknoledge the self there is nothing wrong with that - you must acknolege yourself and your emotions and what they are doing to you --- IT's not selfish - Selfish is when you think you should die cause Susy So and So won't date you - When you are feeling trapped and alone and scared of yourself - YOU need to speak up and you have -- you want to save yourself there's nothing wrong with that or the fact that you chose to say it here - I think that it's better to get it out somewhere rather then no where You said cleaning up after rock bottom was supposed to be a new start agreed but you'd be surprised to find many think they have hit the bottom only to find out there was another wrung to go down - Or that there their clean fresh start left them with emotional 'baggage' that threatened to keep them at the bottom forever I know you won't read this for a while and i know you will face more challenges and i know lots of it will suck big time But if you are willing to help yourself by seeking help I think you'd find that many days won't suck and that the shame fades to pale and that you enjoy - enjoying yourself and life it won't just happen cause you want it to it'll only happen if you actively seek it * best wishes *
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Oct 21, 03
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awesome :) I like that. Max, sounds like you need a bit of a break from the intensity of your emotions. I remember an acid trip I was on once, where I was getting particuliarliy bugged by something wrong inside of me. For the life of me I couldn't figure out what the fuck it was. A friend came up to me, and told me to not worry about it for now. If you don't have the power to deal with it now, then don't. take a step back, let your brain heal a bit from all the emotionalness, see if you can't learn a bit about yourself or life or something, then try tackling the problem later. I don't say this very often, but maybe antidepressants are a good thing for you to be on temporarily. Compress your seretonin levels down to a handlable range and you may be able to analyze things in your head alot more rationally. (lsd on antidepressants can work great for inner brain analysis too :) but you know better than me if that would be a good thing for you to do or not) Just make sure you don't let your brain use drugs as a solution (although I think you already know that one :) ) if your goin on antidepressants, think of them instead as a vehicle to get yourself to the real solution. hope that helps.
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Oct 21, 03
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I'm sure you already know that though.. take it easy Max, I wish there was someway to show you how much potential you have and how talented you are.. and more importantly what a good person you are. You have so much going for you, just think in 5 years from now (hopefully) the majority of the problems you're facing will seem completely irrelevant. It seems like the easy way out, but think it through.. it really isn't. I hope things start to look up for you, if you ever need to talk you know my #
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Oct 21, 03
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Haha Luke. I just noticed something, you relate a lot of things to "I remember this one time I was on (insert random hallucinogen here).."
Max max max... what can I say, you're not alone in feeling this way but you've gotta get through it one way or another. You must know that it only gets harder the longer you put it off, the best thing you could do for yourself right now is stick with it, even though it's hard as hell. Why be ashamed of how you feel, it'll only drive the problem deeper Ok. Good luck and I hope you can find a way to get something good out of this, because it'll only make you stronger. I know you're a smart kid and you can get through it.. take it one day at a time.
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Oct 22, 03
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heh, yeah I think your right. I should probably stop mentioning the substances, people seem to think drugs make the experience not real or something. :)
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Oct 22, 03
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Max, whut are bob and I? chopped fucking liver?
man, was I pissed off when I saw wut you did. funny... I thought bob and I were helping you out. guess I thought wrong. Shannon. I agree. suck it up. sumtimes, you gotta realise.. all you really have is yourself!
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Oct 23, 03
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J'nette & Bob
It wasn't meant to come off like that, you two were the only ones there, two complete strangers (pretty much), when rock bottomed shoveled me in the face. I honestly don't think things would'a gotten this far without your support. You two have my unrelenting gratitude and thanx, furthermore, you're both very caring and compassionate. I hope that someday i can return the help and concern that was shown to me.
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Oct 23, 03
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I'm surprised that several people have had close friends or family commit suicide. I've known 2 people who ended their lives.
Goat, I don't know you but what I can say (as an ex Vancouver crisis center worker) is that being a young adult can be a tough period of life. If you've not had the best family experiences, that can mess up your head, and it can take years of living on your own to figure out who you are and to put the past into perspective. Even if you come from a great family, when you're young emotions and feelings of depression can be more intense and hard to deal with, but as time goes on, it can get better. Another problem is getting some good friends, and some interesting, meaningful work - that again can take some time. Work can make you feel useful. Getting some good exercise can be a really big help too. In fact I would say that is the best way to get out of a feeling of depression - just go for a run of about 40 minutes every other day and you will feel much much better. :smoke1:
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Oct 23, 03
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Dude, I don't know you well, and I certainly don't know the demons you're wrestling with, but something you should realize is that, when push comes to shove, only you can change your life. And sometimes it takes some hard, analytical thinking in order to so.
You mention feelings of negativity. Think about what is causing them. What can you change to turn those around? For example, if you feel that you lack friends (or close friends), think about why that is. Are you not there for others causing them to not be there for you (don't think this is the case based on other posts I've seen in the past, this is only an example) - part of having friends is being a friend. Maybe its the people you are choosing for friends - maybe they should be based upon strength of character and not who is the most fun to party with. Maybe the whole circle whose company you keep - seek out different groups, experiances, circles, ones with more positive characteristics. The list could go on and again, this is just an example. My point being that, in the end, the only person making your choices is you. If you fail to put thought into those choices and why you make them, you will have difficulties being able to distinguish the good choices from the bad. Sometimes the god choices are hardest, the bad ones easiest...but if you have a solid foundation and understanding of which choices are which and why, it can make it easier to get thrugh the tough ones. Hope some of this helped and/or made sense...
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