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Dec 05, 05
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runing away
so to begin my evening, my dog took off out the door because a breaker blew and the sound scares the shit out of her.. half an hour later we finally found her. so after my heart finally starts to beat again after that, my uncle calls - my little cousin ran away.
so i scarmbled around my house cause she gave me her cell number once (she lives in kamloops) i find it, called her. shes fine, staying with a friend, just needing some air. shes in grade 12, and is a studious, pretty well behaved 17 year old. she still raises a little hell, gets drunk at friends houses on the weekends, but all in all a pretty good kid - great in fact. my auntie and uncle tie her down like nobodies business and as of lately, she hasnt been allowed to go out or do anything. not even allowed to answer the phone. so during one of the regular yelling "i hate you" matches that alot of 17 year old girls get into with there parents my uncle slipped and hit her. so she left. shes been gone all weekend, is safe and calming down. uncle and auntie recently found out where she was, and have calmed slightly as they thought she took off with her boyfriend. they have said that when she comes home, if she goes out again, to pack her bags shes not welcome back. my auntie said she wouldnt be involved in her graduation. this is straight A student, volunteers, adn really is a great kid. is sick of beign around the fighting between her mom and dad, and doesnt want to be in a stressful household anymore. shes tried talking to them, but they wont have it. i dont want to encourage her to move out because thats a tough road for someone young, totally possible but tough. im ready to send her money, support her in everyway i can, will be standing applauding her and crying when she graduates, i love her to peices, i just dont know what to tell her. to add on to it, my uncle isnt her dad and she doesnt know. her mom had her when she was young, met my uncle when my cousin was about 2, got married and ever since she thinks my uncle is her dad. her mom doesnt want her making the supposed same "mistake". i want to tell her, but cant. anyone who has any advice, or experience, words would be appreciated. 
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Dec 05, 05
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Been there and done that.
I thought I knew better and that I could take on the world in my youth and I found out very quickly just how unprepared for the 'real world' I really was. I look back now and shake my head at how stupid and arrogant I was in my youth. I do think her parents have reason to have 'locked down' and I suggest you shouldn't be one to judge as you only have small chunks of all the information. As much as I admire your love for her you can't support her forever and by sending her money and things you are actually making things worse in my opinion as you are now her safety net. If anything happens to her she'll just come running to you for help now. To be blunt the youth today are spoiled by what they have. They all think that the parent are an oppressive force and limiting their freedoms. But realize YOU ARE LIVING UNDER THEIR ROOF!! YOU have to abide by THEIR rules. If you don't like it then go find a home of your own, pay the heating bills, pay for food, pay for all the things you take for granted. I seriously suggest that you try and drive this point into her skull. She may think she can take on the world, but I'd give her 6 months tops before she breaks down and cries about how much she misses what she had. As I say to all of your people... don't take what you have for granted. DO NOT think that you are special and invincible. Life can get real nasty very, very quickly if it decides to. Just keep that in mind when you decide to make rash, emotional decisions you will end up regretting.
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Dec 05, 05
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Hmm, where to start here...
Obviously she should try and work it out with her parents, but you said she ran away cause her dad slapped her? Good for her. If my dad had ever layed a finger on me, I'd have left and never looked back, because if it can happen once, it could easily keep happening. Now she may be the good girl you say she is, but she could still have given her parents DAMN good reasons to make the rules they did. This girl's pretty young to be on her own, so she should go home, suck up some of her punishment without a word of complaint, and then after things have calmed down try and talk to her parents. The key part here is to TALK and act like a civilised mature person if she has any hope her parents will ease up. I used to act out and break a lot of my parents rules back when I was younger, but I realised that screaming with frustration gets you nowhere. You need to be mature enough to give your parents the respect they deserve, and discuss with them whether some rules can be modified. When my parents claimed "We don't know what goes on at those raves, so you can't go." when I was about 16, I countered with "Fine, come with me, I'll show you exactly what's going on, and then you can give me a fair decision." In the end, I got what I wanted because I also gave them what they wanted.
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Dec 05, 05
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Dec 05, 05
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So was I one of the last generation of people that got disciplined by their parents?? I wish I got away with a simple slap sometimes.
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Dec 05, 05
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It might be one of those phases that most kids with authoritative parents go through...when I was younger and wanted to go to parties and stuff, my parents would say I couldn't go but I ended up going anyways. It's the rebellious phase...I would think most of us have gone though that at one point or another. As long as she's safe.
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Dec 05, 05
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asian parents and their fucking featherdusters! but on a more serious, somewhat unrelated note, one of the first things I noticed when I immigrated to Canada was how generally more lenient white parents were with their kids. and nowadays, it's like fucking spanking your kids is considered child abuse. go figure. Last edited by Joanne; Dec 05, 05 at 02:12 AM.
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Dec 05, 05
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Not at all, but I mean the girl isn't really leaving home because she's a snot nosed spoiled brat, she's leaving the house because her parents are constantly arguing and she's stuck in the middle which is a hard situation for any kid to be in. While I agree, their house, their rules (as I myself was asked to leave just after I turned 18), I don't think that really gives parents free reign to act like children themselves. Sure, they're right to discipline her, but are they really going to deal with the real issues at hand?
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Dec 05, 05
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I guarantee the recollection of events from her point of view is going to be pretty biased. Right now we are pretty much drawing from our own personal histories to try and provide some help to get this situation resolved. However, each person has their own issues that they have to learn how to address and deal with in order to grow up and evolve. My suggestion is to not provide her a safety net as that just hinders her growth. Unfortunately for many of us a very rude wake up call from life is required to help open our eyes and mind to first learn how to swallow our pride, learn how to admit one may have been wrong and then sit down as a mature person to figure out a solution.
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Dec 05, 05
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"You white people need to beat your kids!! In this multicultural society we live in you don't wnat your children to feel left out!"
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Dec 05, 05
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ok i should do her some more justice.
shes a jehovah witness, so according to her parents "worldly" friends are not allowed. she has some, they have let it slide as she goes to highschool its gonna happen. so new ruling was that she wasnt allowed to be with her worldly friends unless there was a chaperon, another JW. shitty for her, but she accepted it, went with it. shes rolled with the majority of the punches her parents have given her - she hasnt been allowed to get her "L" because her mom just doesnt think shes ready - and shes been fine with that. she baught her own car when she was 15, been working on it with her dad sense then, and hasnt been allowed to drive it. she complains, moans, but puts up with it. knows not to ask to sleepover at friends houses, go on school trips or stay out later then curfew. i do know alot of her situation as she talks to me, my mom talks to her mom and we compare. the reason she ran, was not for freedom but to get away from their fighting. what pushed her was one of their fights going too far. (this she just told me) she insists that she has tried telling them that the fighting is getting to be too much for her and her little sister to be around, but they wont listen. being parents who know they know more then her, im sure they wouldnt listen to much to what she is saying. knowing my auntie, she wouldnt listen at all. i told her to write them a letter, fill it with everythign from their fighting to her wants. shes 17, and has the want for freedom like every other 17 year old girl. it was my assumption really that her being tied down was the main reason she ran, but it - or so she says - isnt half the reason. parents always have their reasons i know, and they are alwasy the best reasons. and they alwasy want the world for their kids, but i just wonder if they are preventing her from making mistakes she needs to make to grow up or even begin to grow up? like i said, her mom doesnt want her doing the same things she did\living the lifestyle she did so thats why shes tyin her down a bit. i dont encourage her moving out, i just dont want to encourage her to be in a household she no longer wants to be in. i'd rather he talk to me then feel like im just like her parents - i know she should go back home, i know that the fighting eventually simmers down between kids and parents, ive been there, but i dont want to slander this into her face. how do you give advice without sounding like a parent? as in "we know whats best for you, the worlds a big place" shes heard it, and really isnt gonna listen to it.
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Dec 05, 05
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(btw, discipline doesn't need to be physical. It comes in MANY forms)
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Dec 05, 05
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p.s. i got spanked as a kid, white kids get discipline too.
and my uncle punched her, it wasnt just a slap. either way, tempers and emotions were high, i dont in anyway condone it, but when loved ones are involved in arguments, emotions like i said, run very high and very erratic.
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Dec 05, 05
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Family councelling/anger management could actually help. Because there's a third party who steps in and gives everyone in the situation something to work on, even the parents.
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Dec 05, 05
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If your cousin is as mature as she believes she is then she will understand that to go back with her tail between her legs, suck it up and slowly work with the parents in a 'mature' fashion is the proper course of action.
If her ego can't take that brusing then there isn't anything you can say to change her mind as she has already made the decsion that she is right and whatever her parents are doing is wrong.
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Dec 05, 05
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I personally think that it's extremely important for parents and their children to have good communication skills. Clearly, your aunt/uncle and your cousin do not communicate how they should. From the time I can remember, my mom and I haaaaaated each other. We never saw eye to eye, and she was always trying to stick her nose into my business. Sometimes, it was for my own good, but sometimes it was just the control factor. Today, she will admit this. She felt as if I was growing up too fast and that she was "losing control". So, she tried to take back control by being over-protective, making up stupid rules (like a 10pm curfew when I was 17), and backing up her decisions with "because I'm the parent and I say so". Well, for anyone who knows me, I obviously wasn't having ANY part of that. So, I broke curfew always, didn't give a crap about the consequences, when she grounded me I would go out, when she took away my car priveleges I would take the bus or get a ride, etc.. Finally, I started staying at my boyfriend's house ALL the time, and I wouldn't come home more than once a week. After about two months of this she finally called me and broke down and admitted all the things that she was feeling. It was then that we actually started to build a REAL relationship. Now, I couldn't even THINK of moving out - even though financially it would be fine, I WANT to live at home because I want to be around HER. I'm really lucky that my mom is one of the people who can admit to her own mistakes and insecurities. Her mom did the same thing to her when she was 18, but it turned out completely different and my mom moved out, and never really had the closeness with my grandma like I have with my mom. I guess she probably realized her mistakes because she remembered what it was like to be in my shoes. I don't really know what my advice is here...I think it really depends if your aunt and uncle are ready to set aside their silly pride and accept the fact that your cousin is growing up and there's nothing they can do but try to guide her in the right direction. Forcing her will only turn her the wrong way. My cousin is 13, and I worry about him incessantly. My aunt and uncle are way over-protective, as he is their only child and they thought they might never be able to have kids. They live in a very small community on the Sunshine Coast, however, when my cousin graduates and is ready to get on with his life I have decided that I will invite him to live with me. I want to help him become his own person and do the guiding in the right direction because I know that my aunt and uncle will push too hard. I guess what I'm saying is maybe, if it would be OK with your family, you guys could invite her to live with you once she graduates. That way, your aunt and uncle will know that she is safe and with those that love her, yet she will be able to forge her own path. Good luck with everything :)
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Dec 05, 05
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be there for her..ive been there, be there for her money dont matter, she needs someone..
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Dec 05, 05
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Dec 05, 05
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Natalie as I stated later "Right now we are pretty much drawing from our own personal histories to try and provide some help to get this situation resolved."
The portion you quoted is my POV. I must point out that you were fortunate to have your boyfriend who would assit you at that point in time. I had people who helped me as well, but as time progresses I knew it couldn't go on like that forever. I agree with you about the communication point, but I find fault that you say her parents have to set aside their pride as how do you know it is not the other way around?
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Dec 05, 05
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^Usually it's BOTH. Just because parents are the adults doesn't mean they're acting like it. Sure the kid's gotta suck it up, but parents are supposed to lead by example, and be good role models. If they can't admit they're ever wrong, how can they expect their kids to?
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Dec 05, 05
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Leading by example works the other way around too.
I learned how to admit that I was wrong and open up the doors for discussion which would never have been opened otherwise. It's easier to control things that are withing your sphere of influence and in this case her parents and how they think is not part of that. This is why I suggested the course of action that I have.
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