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Sep 06, 05
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Putting/keeping myself myself into toxic dating situations
Offense number 1: Forgiving my b/f of 4 years for cheating on me and putting all my heart and soul into working things out with him when all he did was abondon me, involve another persons feelings, and lie lie LIE.
(don't worry I've come to the realisation I needed for this one, he is no longer even a tiny part of my life) offense number 2: Jumping into hat has become to intense of a relationship with a boy who really likes me and wants more, when I am still extremely vulnerable, hurt and traumatised from my last relationship. offense number 3: I've just met a boy, a very hot cute sweet boy... who has a g/f. Now there is no way I'd knowingly be on the other end of cheating, and I will castrate him in the most unpleasant of ways if it turns out hes lying (because I know exactly how that feels) but he's made it clear that his g/f is away for school and they are allowed to spend time with other people to keep them company and cuddle and such. There's no way I'm ever going to sleep with this person, but WHAT IF he is lying, WHAT IF i get attached, what if what if what if..... Since I dont seem to have the will power to keep myself out of these toxic situations, I really think I should have a sign hung around my neck warning any boys who want me, or themselves to stay in one peice to run far away, very quickly..... I've been scaring myself actually, In general I look at myself as a very strong and smart woman. But I always told myself if someone I loved cheated on me that would be it. No ifs and ors butts, yet I stood around while the bastard not only cheated on me but continued to after he confessed. I even let him put ideas of maybe marrying eachother one day in my head, after he fucked and started a realtionship with someone else right under my fuking nose (also another stupid move not allowing myself to admit to myself what was going on all along) I've always been very boy crazy and now I'm in a very hard spot in my life, my fences are up more than ever but on the other hand.. I'm a little desperate to fill the absolute void that the annhilation of a 4 year friendship and relationship leaves. Its onlybeen a few months and I'm worried how messy these dating situations are going to get and who I'm going to hurt along the way, including myself.... 
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Sep 06, 05
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If you're still fucked from your last relationship just stop dating. It's really unfair to the other person. A four year relationship is going to take a lot of time to gain perspective on, and if you're a tough, smart girl you should be fine on your own.
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Sep 06, 05
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i know, it's easier siad then done..i think anyone who's been in a similar situation knows that... it sucks how one person can make you so weak, you'd trade in all your morals in one blink of an eye..
the boy who has a girl away at school... unless you talk to her, you will never know if he is lying.. i say stay away, because what if you do get attached.. he's got someone else already apparently right? where would you expect it to go from there? just spend lots of time with close friends, people who care about you.. build yourself up before you dive into another relationship again.. you are a very very smart girl, and you deserve more then what these guys can offer you.. remember. you don't need a 'man' to be happy.
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Sep 06, 05
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Exactly. It's unfair for someone new to inherit your issues. How long have you been single for? It's a good time to grow, so try it out.
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Sep 06, 05
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Sad story, hope everything works out, We all have been in situations like this, Jus live for now and try not to get yourself to attatched cause the more attached you become the more it will hurt in the end.
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Sep 06, 05
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 I agree with rawb.
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Sep 07, 05
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My advice to you, after coming out of a long relationship... you need to focus on yourself, not on other guys. Find something that interests you and work towards it. You need something to work towards other than a guy. I honestly think it would be a wise decision to just swear off them for a while, give yourself time to heal, time to breathe, time to trust again. Clearly you are not in any state to really give yourself in a new relationship, if you're sorta in one with a guy and you don't know what to do because he wants to take it to the next level.
I don't know, that's what I did, though I was going through the same feelings you were. It's almost like after such a long relationship, you don't know how to really function on your own, so you search for someone to fill the gap... don't let this happen. And hang in there, have fun, get over him and get on with life :D
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Sep 07, 05
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but... but.. boys are so cute!
I know that this is the time I should be spending on myself, and the people in my life who I care for and don't come with such drama. But I am taking the time to do that for myself, and I'm not looking for another b/f trust me. I've also made it clear with anyone I am in those type of situations with, that there is no way I am going to be in a relationship for a long time. If anything I'm just looking for someone casual to spend time with, cuddle with, keep me company. (I actually dont even think I have the ability to become attached to someone right now, but then again who knows...) Maybe I should spend more of that time with friend friends but I can't seem to help myself. bah. And I know I dont need a man to keep me happy, I've been doing just fine on my own. But the "right" opportunities for more than friend/less than boyfriend come along and I take it. damnit. I need some sort of mental chastity belt. The silly thing is that I know this all, but I have shitty willpower when it comes to boys.. at least to an extent. I will not let it get in the way of me doing things for myself and my future! I guess its just really weird and hard to shut off that part of my life when theres been a boy in it for so long. I dont know how to NOT date, which is funny because even when I do I obviously have no clue what I am doing. Or its just a way for me to ease myself into the single life after 4 years of being in a serious relationship. Who knows, all I know is that these 2 are amazing people and I want to spend time with them no matter what, I just need to learn how to be JUST FRIENDS.
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Sep 07, 05
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AND invest in one kick ass vibrator
toys don't have the same effect of a warm body beside me though... I'm so affectionate I'd give up all sexual relations, even with myself... just to have some cuddles and tickles :(
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Sep 07, 05
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I think i seem to convince myself that its ok, and that its not as serious as it really is because I'm not allowing myself to get attached or feel like I'm in a relationship. And the silly boy from offense number two keeps taking it and thats not fair to him, even if he choses to stay in the situation too. after I've made my current state and decision clear.. luckily offense number 3 is new and I can hopefully put the breaks on. ps to thechixor: unfortunately, I find one of the most effective ways for me to get over him and forget about him is to distract myself with cute boys.... Last edited by MistressSpankME; Sep 07, 05 at 02:42 AM.
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Sep 07, 05
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I think if you have to constantly distract yourself with boys that don't really mean anything then you're never going to deal with your issues, since you're always going to be, well distracted.
I know what it's like to come out of a relationship and want someone there right away to start hugging the shit out of you, cause that's easy. Taking a few months out to figure out what's up is hard. And none of the boys you were talking about seem that 'amazing' anyways.
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Sep 07, 05
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simplify your life, take some time to pamper yourself, cut down on the drama and just enjoy being you
read some books, take alots of baths, go shopping, take a class now is the best time for you to rediscover yourself take that affection and point it inward
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Sep 07, 05
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well its pretty simple to fix.
stop dating for awhile.
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Sep 07, 05
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And robyn, only one of them is really amazing, I consider him a very good friend as well but we haven't figured out how to be just that, friends. We try, but it doesn't seem to work :P About dealing with my issues, I went through months and months of hell for offense number 1, and I have dealt with alot of them on the way. I'm not distracting myself with boys as much as it may sound, because I am dealing with my issues, and I am doing things for myself etc. (I'm working hard, attemting to create new connections and recreate old ones with my friends, looking into school and classes, performing, working on projects like my new room and my sewing room, my website etc. Unfortunately the only boy i let get in the way of that was the one that was supposed to love me the most, but thats over now.) Do you really have to cut any and every type of dating or more than friend relations out of your life to work on yourself? I'm not spending all my time with millions of boys, or putting myself and my life aside for any boy, or even go on the hunt for them,a nd deffinately not sleeping with just anyone who comes along.... I'm not THAT weak! Maybe the best, easiest, clean cut way to go would be to just stay away from it all. I guess its just really hard for me not to accept affections from people who want to spend time with me, want to hold me, want to appreciate me... When all I had from the love of my life for pretty much the last year was lies, (mental) abuse, and abandonment. I know I dont need a man to be happy, and that I'm a wonderful person who didn't deserve that, but its really really nice to have something so nice around.
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Sep 07, 05
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bah, look at me. Making excuses for something that I know is icky. I need to learn to be completely on my own, the hardest thing is that I jumped into offense number two right after I realised things were over with my ex. I needed someone to give me what he took away from me, now things have come way too intense.. but on the other hand I care about this boy very much.. as friend or more, how do I end something like that? Do i cut someone I care about very much completely out of my life, hurting both of us in the process, or do we try and pretend to be friends by hanging out in plublic places or sitting on our hands at the opposite ends of the couch haha.
FUCK.
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Sep 07, 05
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I was sorta in the same boat as you a little while ago. My boyfriend and I broke up after a 2 and a half year relationship and wow was the different after. He was everything to me and was always put first than all of a sudden he "abandoned" (sp?) me also. Long story but I don't really want to get into it because this is about you.
Try to concentrate on your girlfriends, they realyl help. If you have realized that your 4 year relationship has really torn down alot of your friendships than its time to repare them. Put all your time into your work, friends and studies if you have any. Try not to think of boys too much even if you are sorta fooling around/seeing or whatever you may call it. DO NOT and TRY NOT too make anything of it, the more you think about them, the more you will contiplate on if you have feelings for them or not. Do not get attached if your not ready and make the boy what you first. If they want you... well more than just for a physical realtionship than you know if you start to fall for him than it has better chances of working out and you won't get burned in the end. That's what I did with my now boyfriend, I made sure that it was him that wanted me and it wasn't me wanting him more or just me wanting someone to fill that space that I'm so used to having. Play hard to get but don't think of it at the same time. I hope this all makes sense. Just in all, live your life and try not to think of relationships even if you think one is starting because the less you ponder about it the less you'll worry and things will just happen and what happens is for the best. Best of luck hun! -Jacenta
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Sep 07, 05
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If you're really ment to be friends, or more then friends or whatever you can do that later. If you don't cut him out now, things are just going to get even more complicated and ruin your chances of any sort of relationship in the future. Have you ever really spent any time on your own? It's so strange how much you grow when you do.
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Sep 07, 05
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^ bah, I know and thats what I want to take out of this breakup, and actually one of the reasons it all started. I wanted to be just Jenna, there are so many things I know I need to learn and discover and improve, but its still really nice to have someone to cuddle and flirt with along the way. I dont necesarily look at it as much more. Which, on the other hand, is unfair to anyone involved who does, or who wants more. And there will always be drama and some level of dependancy if there are feelings involved.
Speaking of g/f's I relied on them, or at least one of them a little too much for a while. I would go over to my best friends house all the time, even if she wasn't there, just to avoid and/cushion the blow. At least I've dropped that habit haha. And like I said, I'm not looking for a b/f, or putting time and effort into a relationship as opposed to me. I guess I'm still trying to wrap my head around this all to figure out the perfect "balance". I dont know if I'm addicted to boys and affection, because i'm sure as hell not looking for a b/f. I want to be independant, but at the same time I wouldn't mind some affection... Do I really need to cut it all off completely to really find myself, or is a few little treats here and there ok? haha, I guess I'll have to figure that out myself. I think I might be looking at things like i'm trying to branch out from HIM, show that I can have affections for boys other than him. When maybe I should be most worried about myself and myself alone... does making out with girls count??? haha
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Sep 07, 05
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Sep 07, 05
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i think we all do this to our selves...maybe you need to be selfish and take a time out for your self......play around but dont get into anything for a bit..mantal growth for me has been awsome. single for 3 years now and i have done more with myself, than i had in my huge relationships ,i had previously been in for the last 7 years. (on and off)
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